Is this week dragging for anyone else? If so…read this blog: http://unsaidandunspoken.wordpress.com/2012/01/
Pretty interesting relationship. Start from the beginning, it will make the day fly by.
New post soon. Prom, prom.
I could be totally and absolutely wrong about this assumption, but I think, and even more so, I hope (so I’m not alone in this) that we all have that person that we just can’t quit.
This came to mind for a couple of reasons, including, but not limited to: Rihanna’s video for We Found Love, stories from friends relationships and well…my life. So, it got me thinking, what the F is really good? I don’t mean like that one off time that you hooked up with your ex when you were drunk or just lonely. And I’m definitely not talking about a booty call that you always go back to. I’m talking about real and present emotions, feelings, actions and situations with the same person over and over and over and over again.
You’ve been in a relationship or not. You’ve been in love and lust. You’ve missed, dissed, hated and debated over this person. But for some reason, when it comes down to them, you just cannot end it. You can’t stay away, let go or completely move on. But, you also, ironically, cannot commit. Now, if I’ve lost you here, please, tell me, like really, in the comments, tell me, “you’re alone in this one” (I’ve been looking for a therapist and this may be just the push I need).
It could be you. Your parents had a bad divorce, you aren’t big on commitment, you never know what you want. Or, it could be them. They are there and then they’re not. They love you and then they don’t. Or, most likely, it could be both of you, together. There are things left unsaid, words never spoken or feelings never shared. You know everything in the world about this person except for if they really, really could be with you forever.
Now, my best guess on why people do this is because, well, it feels like home. Someone who knows you, understands your insecurities and past and has even been there for a lot of it. This person is not fly by night relationship or something to do with your time (not to say that you’ve never treated them like that). They are, essentially, the one. Now, I say essentially because, it’s not literally, it’s not even actually, but, if things were, well, perfect, you’d be together. You would get over your hang-ups, your past and your worries and you’d just be…together.
But you can’t. Or you won’t so you pretend, playact, dibble and dabble in other relationships, situations, girl/boy friends, feelings and dealings. Because simple is better than difficult and you don’t have to guard your heart if there is no chance of loosing it like you have before.
So, I know, I usually give advice, grand insights, funny quips to get you to a place of understanding on a matter that totally and utterly eludes understanding on any sober or intoxicated level. But, I honestly can say, this time, I don’t have a laundry list of information or advice. I just wanted to make you think about that person, in case you haven’t in a while…purposely. And in case you need to. I’ll leave you with this:
“Love, relationships and matters of the heart are some of the few things in life that we will always learn and grow from. So don’t be afraid to let them happen, you owe it to yourself and your future.” – anon
Carpe that fucking Diem.
I wasn’t going to write today. But then I read a ridiculous article about “Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single” (I wish there was a hard eye-rolling font). And honestly, it was not only ridiculous because ALL 12 reasons listed had to do with women, but because there is clearly a bigger, more delusional issue here.
There is a not so new trend out there, one that possesses people of all races, genders, creeds and class to tell women why they aren’t married. How it’s a huge travesty that so many Black women are single. They give advice, they tell us what we are doing, what we shouldn’t be doing and what we must do. The advice comes from people like comedian and radio personality Steve Harvey and even more ridiculous sources like the Wall Street Journal, and THRICE-DIVORCED Tracy McMillan (though some of her points did make sense, can’t lie). No really…wtf?
So back to the topic at hand. Guys. You are single….because get this….you want to be. Yes, just that simple. EVERYONE has the exact love/relationship/dating life that they want. So turn that accusing finger right around to your self because women, your daddy, the economy…none of those people or things are to blame.
Now, I’m not saying that women don’t blame other people or that there are no arguments out there that point the finger at men and all of the difficulties they can cause. No, I know they are there. And I’m sure someone reading this will try to bring them all up, but honestly, take a breath and realize that the number of articles blaming women for their own singleness heavily out weighs the other. If it didn’t I would have never started this blog and wouldn’t have enough content for it to last for almost two years now…
So the question is, if women blame themselves, men blame woman, the general public is pointing the finger towards women…when do guys look in the mirror and say…”Maybe it’s me?” I’ll wait.
I think all people, ALL people, who are looking for something more, who are in search for a significant other or who just feel like, “when’s my time to meet the one?” Should take a minute and assess what they have been doing, what they could do better and what they’re not willing to do to find someone to spend their life with…it may surprise you what you come up with when you stop playing the blame game with your love life.
In the end, be the change you want to see. If you want a guy or girl to stop treating you like you don’t matter, than you’ve got to know you’re better than that. If you keep finding people who you think are with you for superficial reasons then you’ve got to seek a deeper connection than “I thought they were hot in the bar.” We’ve all be hurt, come back from a break up, dealt with a liar/cheater, picked the wrong person, felt wronged, felt hurt and Lord knows felt confused. You’re not the only one, get past that, save the pity party and get out there and live the answers. Seriously, what are you waiting for?
Hello there. I’m back. Yes, it’s been a bit, I missed you too. I’m feeling back to my old self again, single, happy and ready to write. Now, don’t get me wrong I did not, I repeat DID NOT go on a writing hiatus because I had a man (plus I will note I did post while in said relationship). No, no, I took a break because I was trying to get a graduate degree, move (2 different times), find a job, write a 60+ page thesis, get some r&r in south Florida and travel to Europe to test my commitment genes (though they’ve failed me yet again), all of which I did with much grace and poise may I add. And if that’s not reason enough for you, well, maybe you’ll just be open to giving me a second chance…?
The Second Chance
Sometimes, like I mean on very rare occasions. Like once every 2 years, if not longer, I truly believe that it is okay to give someone a second chance. They messed up. They broke your heart. They treated you like shit. They lied. They cheated. They “broke your spirit”. Fine, sucks big time. No one is disputing that. No one faults you for never, ever, ever speaking to them again in your natural born life or after-life if you believe in that stuff, no one.
…They’re truly sorry. I don’t know how you really know, honestly, I always think once a liar always a liar, once a bullshitter, always a bullshitter. But I know that’s not right somewhere deep down. If no one could ever change then the world would really be an awful place…and a whole lot of people would never speak to each other again. So say their apology is genuine and they are really showing you the difference through their actions and not just their words. There is definitely that chance that someone can be more than sorry that they got caught, called out or told off. They aren’t just sorry because it ended badly they’re sorry they did it at all, there are those few people, and when you come upon those people, there is no reason not to give them a second chance if you really want to.
…They KNOW they will have to work hard. No one in their right mind is taking you back if nothing has changed. Someone should be working double time to show you that they are worth the risk you are taking with your heart and emotional sanity. If they aren’t working double or even triple time…well, I would question if they are really willing to work for your forgiveness or your future relationship.
…Things got lost in translation. Sometimes wires really do get crossed or words confused or stories twisted and you’re so mad you don’t check to see if there is something you may have missed, something that may just be a little bit off that could have changed the whole situation. Be open to being wrong. If you’re not you will live your life closed off to the chance of personal growth and change. And if you do find that it was you, fess up, don’t let your pride get in the way, don’t figure you’re just better off without them, humble yourself and say something.
…You just plain old miss them. Sometimes cutting ties is not as easy as you thought it would be, or your friends make it sound, or their actions made it seem like it would be. Sometimes cutting ties really does feel like something or someone in this case has been cut right out of you. Like you’re missing a piece of who you are or are supposed to be, and it’s just not worth teaching someone a lesson and losing part of yourself while doing so. This is where my best advice is just to talk. Until you’re blue in the face, until you hate the subject and couldn’t think of another thing to say about it, and then…let it go and if you both feel like you can’t make it without each other…why try?
Now, all of this is about second and third chances, when the real topic is forgiveness.
Unless you have a direct connection to the MIB (Men in Black) and their awesome memory eraser thing (which I have in fact told one man that’s what it would take for me to date him again) then you’re never really going to forget whatever it was that broke you two up in the first place (plus with Facebook pictures and emotionally charged tweets, dedicated websites…well you get it, there is always a picture or a post of the past somewhere these days). When they say something that reminds you of the girl he left your for, or the guy she cheated on you with you’re going to think about it. You are going to immediately go back to those feelings where you hurt, and it’s honestly, most likely, still going to hurt. But in these cases it’s not about forgetting, because if you forget too much you could find yourself right back in the same position they put you in last time. I’d like to say here “Keep your guard up”, but to me guard feels like a wall or shield and with either of those it makes it hard for other emotions to get through and real growth to occur, figuratively, use something soft like a pillow guard, you’re not trying to strong arm the person but you also can’t be oblivious to past events, and even if you try your mind won’t let you.
So that’s where forgiveness becomes vital. If you cannot forgive the other person there are in fact no second chances. While I write this I of course think back to the SATC episode when Aiden and Carrie get back together after she cheated on him and Aiden is trying so hard to get past it, and all she can really do is ask for his forgiveness (even guys should click that link, it really is one of the best scenes, sigh). So there it is, you have to forgive them, because without that forgiveness you won’t ever get past the past.
Don’t dwell. I know a girl who did not nice or honest stuff to a guy. She apologized. Genuinely and more than once, but somehow it is still a topic of conversation. It’s not just beating a dead horse, the horse has been beaten cut up made into horse burgers and shipped to Belgium, where they do in fact eat horse burgers, I know, I lived there. But the point is, you can dwell on what happened forever, but it’s not going to change the past. And at some point the one at fault is going to be over the groveling, apologizing and you. And all that will be left is a whiny boy and a girl who’s moved on. So get over the situation or get over the girl, but it’s gotta be one or the other.
I’m not a quick forgiver or big forgetter. Never have been, can’t say if I ever will be. Now, I say this knowing of at least two men that I gave way too many chances. It was as if they hadn’t been as shitty as possible yet, so it was easy to give it another go (smh). Now, I do in fact know that this is a bit of a character flaw, sometimes, but when it comes to men I’m dating, either you’re enhancing my life and well being or I just don’t need you. I don’t have boyfriends just to say I have a boyfriend. I don’t spend my time with you because I have nothing else to do. I don’t say I like you just so I can hear you say it back. Those things don’t matter. So when a guy does something that I find do be unacceptable, unless it really doesn’t faze me which is honestly occasionally the case, I feel no pressure to make sure they feel okay about what they’ve done. As I tell my girls all the time, I am not here to make any man or woman for that matter feel good about their decisions. I will not tell you it’s okay because that’s what you want to hear and I will not “play nice” and be your friend because you’ll feel less bad for being a liar. No, not a chance. No one is there to tell me my choices are right, or make me feel better when I do something shitty to someone I claimed to care about. I have never had an ex boyfriend that I dumped call me and say, “hey babe, it’s cool you dumped me for no apparent reason, you’re still a great person in my book!” No, believe it or not they don’t and I wouldn’t expect them to as nice as it would be to have that reassurance. So if you have forgiven but still want nothing to do with the person, don’t apologize. Don’t let your friends or society tell you that you not talking to them or being at least their friend means something. All it means is that, this is not a person you want in your life, and guess what… it’s your lucky day because you get to make the choices that affect your life! Hooray for that shit.
*But whatever you do please try to forgive, don’t let someone who was careless with your heart or feelings control your future relationships or mental well being, it will never be worth it.*
In the end, it’s always your choice. You always have a say in your life, relationships and future. So I say, give it a go if you’ve got it in you. If you’ve forgiven, if they’ve grown, and if you’re willing to put yourself “out there” one more time, by all means, do so. The worst that can happen is that they’ll fuck up again and you’ll learn a lesson about second chances, ho-hum…there is worse shit that could happen. Bon chancé.
I’m pretty sure that somewhere in Man Laws and Women Rules there is a rule/law in bold letters that says: there will be no dating of a friend’s ex-anything. Normally, I have followed this rule blindly because I didn’t see anything wrong with it in its most simple and fundamental form, but I recently have been left to question, is there ever an exception to this rule?
I personally have thought of a few scenarios that would allow for this ban to be lifted and the two parties to get together, such as:
They were never official. Say your friend was only dating this other person for a few months, it was never that serious and they ended it on amicable terms, there was no love, there was no sex, it was just preliminary dating. They did in fact like each other, but does their non-exclusive past relationship really keep all of your friends from dating that girl/guy?
Your friend has moved on. They’ve married the man/woman of their dreams and honestly could care less about past relationships that they had, or at least they say so. They have their own life to worry about and new relationship to work on, does it really matter at that point? If they were still territorial after marriage, should they even be married or should they still be dating because they haven’t let it go yet?
You think you may have found your soul mate. So I am not sure there is one person for everyone, but there may be a couple really awesome people just for you, what if your friend’s ex is one of those people? How could you even be sure that you’re ever going to meet the handful of other people that you connect with like that? You can’t, is it worth going for it then, just in case?
This is a touchy subject for some, do you want your friend to have more success with the one you let get away or even the one who played you to the left. It leaves you questioning your self, and what it is that they’ve got that you don’t. And then you ask yourself is your momentary doubt in self confidence worth keeping two people who it could work for apart?
Dating a friend’s ex-anything is dangerous, if that shit doesn’t work out, you may look just as foolish as they did and have to listen to “I told you so’s” for months to come. Or even worse if you take a risk and ruin a friendship to date someone you know you shouldn’t and it doesn’t work out then you’re left without a friend or a partner. Now, I am a firm believer that you have to live the answers. You never want to go into a relationship doubting it from the beginning, but being cautious can never hurt.
A while back on that ridiculous honesty box on facebook I got a message that said: “If it wasn’t breaking the code, I’d really like to date you. From the pictures I’ve seen and the few times I saw you in life, you’d be great for me.” Now when I asked what code exactly this anonymous gent was referring to, he let me know that I had in fact dated someone who he was good friends with. I took that as a justifiable answer at the time, but thinking about it now, I almost couldn’t imagine why it really was that serious. If I was meant to be with your friend wouldn’t I still be with him?
Another time I had a really good friend come to my house and tell me that she had started dating a guy I used to date. I personally knew there was nothing to come of things between me and said guy, so if she had come to my house and told me the truth about what was going on (which I already knew, because well, someone always knows and is willing to pass on information) it really would have been fine. I would have told her good luck, its cool with me, but when she came to me months after whatever it was had started and told me half truths about things that I knew the whole story on, I was pissed. I wasn’t upset that she was dating this guy, we had nothing serious, but that my friend came to me and wasn’t willing to give me the whole truth after having waited so long to even tell me in the first place, it was insulting. For a while it looked like that, could have broken us, there was a minor blow up a few days later when I had simmered with the idea of how she had presented the information to me, but I got over it. We all make mistakes but there are some that can just be avoided.
I know it is often hard to determine when enough time has passed, if the relationship was more serious than you may know, or if it would truly hurt your friend if you did something like this. The best idea I have is pretty simple, ask. You’re clearly friends for a reason, and if their ex is moving you this much then you should buck up and talk to your friend. Now there is always the possibility that they will give you a reluctant yes, and honestly, as much as we would like to ignore it, we all know what that through the teeth f-this-fool-for-even-asking kind of yes, looks like. Take that hint and fall back, but if it is a genuine yes, and you’ve talked about it, I don’t see why not. If it’s a no, respect it, if you can’t, well you risk losing friend. For some people it wont ever be worth the risk, for others love/lust just may be, they’d say “you can’t choose who you love”, I’d like to add, that you can choose who you hurt.