Earlier this week, I was sitting around a lunch table with some of my grad school girlfriends, chatting about what else, men, or lack there of.
Me: So Mabel, are you getting it in these days or what?
Mabel: I’m seeing this one guy, but I don’t think I really like him…
Me: Have you been out with him lately?
Mabel: Yeah, we went out last week and then he asked me to come back to his place. I said no, and then about 5 minutes later he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place… again. That’s pretty much when I realized I just wasn’t that into him.
(laughter, nodding, and lots of “shiiiit I hate when that happens”)
I have heard this story, or a version of it countless times. What exactly is it about No sounds like Yes to men? They don’t even share any of the same fucking letters. Women know when they “want to come back to your place”, “Chill just a little longer”, or be “invited in”. They don’t need a little coaxing, or to be broached on the subject. They don’t want to go home with you, they don’t want you in their homes, and for God’s sake they don’t want to have sex with you.
Now, if you ever want them to have sex with you or even just extend the date a bit longer, for a heavy make-out session, the best approach is to just let it happen naturally. You will know when we want to come in, or have you over, we’ll ask something like, “So what are you doing for the rest of the night” or even more straight forward “Do you want to come in?”. Right there, that statement, look or rub of the leg is the hint that you need to either ask or comply with a request. That there gentlemen, is your in.
I understand that for some of you it is a complete impossibility for you not to at least ask that one time. It’s like you have to say, “at least I tried”. Fine, go ahead, shit, it may just be your lucky night. But if she does in fact say no, no thank you, I don’t think so, or it’s a bit late I should get home, STOP, process that answer, and move on. We know that your main goal is often to get us into bed, but at least try to hide it, put some effort into getting some ass. We don’t need it thrown in our face by being bombarded with the same question more than once, as if we are children pretending we don’t have to pee (Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom Suzie??). Yes, we’re sure, that’s why we said it.
I have to add, because I am a woman, that if this is in fact the first or second date, or even just way to early on in the budding relationship, there is a high possibility that she does not want to fuck you. I know, real kick in that balls boys, but if she has any kind of class, or womanly tactics she is going to make you wait, at least to build the momentum a bit. I do know that there are women out there that won’t make you wait, and honestly, more power to them. But as ‘guy like’ as I may be in my view of relationships and sex sometimes, it is a rare woman that doesn’t attach any emotion or importance to sex with a man that she likes in some way. So unless you’ve established that y’all are “just kickin’ it” she’s going to need some time.
In my personal experience, the men I have been most attracted to or looked forward to possibly having sex with in the future were the ones who made it a non-issue. We could be in the heat of making out and he wasn’t pushing my hand towards his penis (as if I didn’t know where the hell it was), or continuously suggesting I come back to his place. He was enjoying the moment we were in, the natural progression of things. He was in fact enjoying me, as fully clothed as I was, and I, in turn, enjoyed him and wanted to get to know him better, physically and emotionally.
In the end it’s best to remember that “Her words said no, but her kiss said yes.” is the defense used by date rapist. So, kiss her good night, drop her off and if she didn’t seem like she hated you, call her in a day or two. But please, please, please don’t ask her again, trust me, Mabel and most other women, you’re digging your own sexless grave.
Next Week: Don’t Let Ciara and Beyonce Fool You, Women Can Definitely Act “Like A Boy” And You may Not Even Know It’s Happening: How To Tell If You’re Getting Played or Used.
Real life date of the week: “He asked if I wanted to come to his place twice and I said no thank you asked him to take me back to my car twice. He then suggested that we go to the roof of a parking lot to see the amazing view. When we got up there he proceeded to try and kiss my neck and I proceeded to ward off his advances. The view sucked, the date sucked, and it was mostly because he thought my no meant, ‘try a little harder’.”-D. Jacobs, 25, PhD Student