I read this…I loved it…I’m passing it on. Read this, it goes both ways, man or woman, don’t let your arrogance blind you.
“I’m going to stand on this working hypothesis:
When a man says he does not want to be in a relationship with you, he never will.
When a man says he does not want to be in a relationship with you, he never will.
I know no one wants to hear it. I know life changes. Circumstances change. People change their minds.
I’m trying to save you some time, here.
Oh. He might change his mind about being in a relationship. Being with you and experiencing the creature comforts of boo-hood might certainly whet his palate in terms of being properly loved and cared for by a woman.
That woman just won’t be you.
Let’s examine it further.
When a man tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he is stating straight out, point blank, that he doesn’t want you.”
Read the full article here: http://bit.ly/vZDl6X
I wasn’t going to write today. But then I read a ridiculous article about “Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single” (I wish there was a hard eye-rolling font). And honestly, it was not only ridiculous because ALL 12 reasons listed had to do with women, but because there is clearly a bigger, more delusional issue here.
There is a not so new trend out there, one that possesses people of all races, genders, creeds and class to tell women why they aren’t married. How it’s a huge travesty that so many Black women are single. They give advice, they tell us what we are doing, what we shouldn’t be doing and what we must do. The advice comes from people like comedian and radio personality Steve Harvey and even more ridiculous sources like the Wall Street Journal, and THRICE-DIVORCED Tracy McMillan (though some of her points did make sense, can’t lie). No really…wtf?
So back to the topic at hand. Guys. You are single….because get this….you want to be. Yes, just that simple. EVERYONE has the exact love/relationship/dating life that they want. So turn that accusing finger right around to your self because women, your daddy, the economy…none of those people or things are to blame.
Now, I’m not saying that women don’t blame other people or that there are no arguments out there that point the finger at men and all of the difficulties they can cause. No, I know they are there. And I’m sure someone reading this will try to bring them all up, but honestly, take a breath and realize that the number of articles blaming women for their own singleness heavily out weighs the other. If it didn’t I would have never started this blog and wouldn’t have enough content for it to last for almost two years now…
So the question is, if women blame themselves, men blame woman, the general public is pointing the finger towards women…when do guys look in the mirror and say…”Maybe it’s me?” I’ll wait.
I think all people, ALL people, who are looking for something more, who are in search for a significant other or who just feel like, “when’s my time to meet the one?” Should take a minute and assess what they have been doing, what they could do better and what they’re not willing to do to find someone to spend their life with…it may surprise you what you come up with when you stop playing the blame game with your love life.
In the end, be the change you want to see. If you want a guy or girl to stop treating you like you don’t matter, than you’ve got to know you’re better than that. If you keep finding people who you think are with you for superficial reasons then you’ve got to seek a deeper connection than “I thought they were hot in the bar.” We’ve all be hurt, come back from a break up, dealt with a liar/cheater, picked the wrong person, felt wronged, felt hurt and Lord knows felt confused. You’re not the only one, get past that, save the pity party and get out there and live the answers. Seriously, what are you waiting for?
We’ve all got them. I have one for everything…to do, not to do, to go, to buy, to see, to call, to blog, wish lists, grocery lists, lists and more lists. Though for a very long while there was one very common list I did not have…a “what I want in a man” list. Yes, a list of wants, needs and must haves in a potential mate. My thought was, if you’re good looking and I don’t hate you, I’ll give it a go. Yes, you read right, not “I like you” just “I don’t hate you.” As you can imagine, this lack-o-criteria led to many dates, and quiet a few…”Well I didn’t hate him when it started…” conversations.
In the past year, I’ve been doing some emotional growing up, as I am sure most people do when they hit 27…or at least start to consider doing. And after, yet another…ridiculous situation where I actively ignored red flags and passed on having any real criteria for the guy I was dating, I decided it may be time to make a “man” list. Now, I have plenty of friends who have these lists, guys and girls a like. Some of them live by them and some of them forget they have them…but they’ve at least made them. Honestly, I always kind of thought they were ridiculous, but then I realized: they’re only as ridiculous as you make them and they’re only as binding as you let them be.
Why They Work
You have a shit ton of thoughts daily about random things, especially when you’re in a relationship and good or bad there are things that you don’t know that you want or don’t want until you get them…or are denied them. So, why not make a list? And no, I don’t mean a running list, but some basics of what you know you definitely want and need to be satisfied in a relationship. They don’t have to be just physical attributes or financial needs, but personality traits, family background criteria, whatever it is you find most important.
As all the creepy cult plans say: It works if you work it! What I mean by that is, stop ignoring all of the damn red flags. When a guy or girl does something that is fundamentally against your beliefs or tells you something that you know without a doubt is a deal breaker, please, please, please, strap on some tits and let them know you’re just not that into them. I know it’s hard because they’re sweet, funny, good company, great in bed…or just the mere fact that it’s winter (been there, trust me). But if you’re in a place in your life where you are looking for something serious, what’s the point in wasting time with someone who isn’t for you just because it’s easier?
Why they’re dangerous
Now, I promote having a smart, working and flexible list. I know that half of you will get this, the other half will finish reading and start their list off like this:
– Brown hair
– Great body
You get the gist…
If your list is made up of superficial and overly narrow criteria, you’re doomed. Now, I’m a sucker for a cute face and a good body just as much as the next girl, but you’ve GOT to be looking for more. You’ve got to know that a looker who’s dumb as rocks is only going to take your so far. You also have to be willing to meet a brunette who is 5’8 and a teacher that could be perfect for you and not reject her because she’s an inch over your height requirement or doesn’t have the job you think she should.
Be flexible with your wants and needs when it comes to certain things. If she treats you amazingly, is fun to be with and has a good job, but her hair is short instead of long, are you really going to stop dating her?
How You Should Use Them
Use your list as a guide. A list of things you are sure will be what you’re looking for in a mate. Some aspects of it you have to decide that you are not willing to compromise on and some parts you have to realize are more flexible. You’ve got to stand for something, or as the saying goes, you will fall for anything, well…anyone.
You can never REALLY know a person until well…you do. So as much criteria as you put together or planning, dating, weeding out, etc. you still may find out some crazy shit five months in that tells you this is not the one. In that same breath, the person you are with could be so amazing that it will open your eyes to things you never even knew you wanted.
- Taller than me
- Has friends – very important
- Laid back
- Enjoys traveling
Yes, that is it. Short, sweet and to the point. (Or at least that’s all I can remember, clearly I haven’t embraced it as I really should be…yet.)
The moral of this story…well blog: Don’t settle, but be realistic. No, there is no problem having an ideal man or woman. No, you shouldn’t be judged for having criteria and standards. But, yes, sometimes, you have to take the good with the not so good. And realize that maybe the one for you does not fit every aspect of your criteria…but as Johnny Mayer says…”You’re not a perfect hand…but I don’t hit on 19.” Know what you’ve been dealt and give it a chance. Plus who knows what parts of their list they could be compromising on…see now I’ve got you thinking…
You should totally do it…on a canvas.
I’ve been telling everyone about this, so I figured why no share it with you crazy kids…
Not sure how you’ll feel about it hanging if it doesn’t work out though…sigh, who cares, hakuna matata.
New post coming tomorrow…finally. I know.
Re-blogged from: http://skinnysweetpea.tumblr.com/post/3851210060
We all know her, she’s our best friend, the girl we dated, the bitch we talk about, our mom…the independent woman. That girl, is not as rare as she used to be. She’s got her own house, she got her own car, two jobs, work hard, she’s a bad broad…what.ever. Not that it’s not super fun doing what you want all of the time, which they do, but I’m here to tell you boys, the one thing an independent woman wants…is her freedom taken away. Boom.
Yes, you read right. Now, quick disclaimer: Do NOT go out there and find the toughest, baddest bitch and tell her you own her ass now. It will end poorly and this is not what I’m saying, I know men don’t always read all the way through so I wanted to put that up front. What I am saying is…
It’s not a façade…but it does come off tougher than intended because of social stigmas. These women are usually pretty damn tough, they aren’t playing it up to make a point or make you feel like you can’t live up to her standards, because if you feel that way you probably actually can’t. It’s not that independent women are living and acting the way they do because they are trying to send you or any other man that message, it’s because it’s a way of survival. We label women independent, but this is not the 1600’s or even the 1950’s. Women are not being raised to find a husband and live happily. They are not being told that they are no one until somebody loves them. They are being challenged in a world that for many years told them the only place they belonged is at home, barefoot and pregnant.
So this independent woman idea is actually just women being who they have been raised to be. So go ahead now and erase that idea that a woman is “acting” some way. It’s not an act…as I told a gentleman caller just the other week after a brief rant about how much he loved that I was “strong and independent,” but I should just change and be “really nice all of the time” (yes, he said this, I can’t make this shit up), “this is not an act, it’s my personality, I’m 27, it’s sticking.” Pretty sure that’s over. Thank God.
She’s likely got a pretty low threshold for bullshit, because well, she’s not giving it to you, why give it to her? She’s heard most of the lines, she’s been through the ups and downs and at some point, you just stop caring about the games. The awesome thing about being independent is that, even if you weren’t there, she’d still be doing all the same things. Yep, that’s right, she’s making a choice to be with you, to talk to you, to spend time with you. Because honestly, she doesn’t need a man, she wants one. And that’s the deepest part; by definition an independent woman doesn’t NEED a man for anything, material. She doesn’t have to have a serious boyfriend or a long term relationship to validate her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want one. What that does mean is that she won’t jump into one for the wrong reason, and you guys should be thankful for that and act accordingly.
You’ve got to know who YOU are and what YOU want. Meet a woman, decide you like her, tell her that day, you want to be with her. And then actually do it. Promise, if the connection is clearly there, she won’t say no (I got a boyfriend once in five hours, cross my heart). And honestly, it doesn’t take women that much longer to know if they want to be with you. Now, is this necessarily the woman you’ll marry? Who knows, but what I am sure of is if you know who YOU are and what YOU want and find yourself, like very few people do, above the games, better than the waiting four days to call, smoother than the timing of texts and cooler than the debates over when to friend her on Facebook, you will find yourself in a relationship with a dope ass girl. Because if she’s got time to play games then she clearly isn’t as independent as she’d like to claim.
She’s dying to show you just how awesome she really is…no really. If you think that her life alone is dope, know this: she can most likely cook, clean and is physically fit, why? Because as a woman on her own, those are things that she enjoys doing. She doesn’t have to learn them to be with you, she’s been doing them for herself for years and a woman who is independent and self-confident won’t have a problem doing all of those things for a deserving man. Honestly, she wants to do them. She wants to show someone else besides her homegirls and her momma that she is that business. Her bosses don’t matter and that personal pat on the back only lasts for a minute…she wants you to know and she wants to feel the same about you.
What’s the point in being successful if no one tells you how great it is…all of the time. This goes for both sides. Successful independent women that are smart about life, are attracted to successful independent men that know a woman is there to enhance them and not hang of their left nut looking for hand outs. A man and a woman that complement each other are always going to be a hotter relationship than one where one party is getting fed off of like a parasite and hoping things will change one day.
The biggest secret…she likes being told what to do. That’s right. You heard it here. We make decisions for ourselves day in and day out. Easy or hard, they have to be made and honestly, it gets exhausting. So to find a man that makes choices about: date plans, dinner reservations, positions in bed, you name it, she’s open to it. As long as you back it up…they’re not into the “all talk” guy, but men who can walk the walk as well. Be about it.
In the end, I know this, because I live this. I’m not gonna settle. I’m not gonna start re-liking bullshit and nor is that girl you tried to feed it too last week. So you can call her a bitch, you can complain how she “acts” like she’s too good for your games, you can even keep trying to play them, but you’ll likely find that she’s just not that into you…
Summer lovin’, happened so fast…had me a blast…well most of us know the rest, but really that first part, is all that matters. Even the Urban Dictionary has it right. Summer flings are…impulsive. It’s intense and most of all it’s hot, sometimes literally (bite the bullet, buy the air conditioning unit, thank me later). Unlike winter boo’s, summer love (and I am in fact using the word “love” lightly, because I probably should be saying summer lust but lovin’ was more catchy) is meant to be spent outside in the sun, meeting new people, day drinking (darties if you will), running, jumping swimming…you get the point, it’s not the cuddle me to stay warm kind of relationship, or it’s too cold to dance on the roof top kind of love, it’s sweaty balls to the walls fun.
People look better in the summer. All people. It’s just a fact. Men are hotter, women are sexier. People have spent the spring getting fit for the beach or working off their winter weight. This fact alone makes the summer fling potential soar. Less clothing and better looking people, there aren’t many that could ask for more. So, you ask, what’s the problem with that? Well I say not a damn thing, good looking men, tans and hot bods, sign me up…
There are more places to go and more people to see…go there, see them. There is nothing better than traveling, outdoor brunching and just generally soaking up as much vitamin D as possible while surrounded by good people. There are so many great deals and trips to be had, that it’s hard to not want someone great to do that with. And honestly, it takes some of the pressure off of your fling as well. These group activities make a fling more fun. Being able to invite a cute guy or girl out with 10 of your closest friend says…I want you there, but I’d be doing this anyway.
They’re an added bonus. Unless you’re a total lame, you love the summer. No coats weighing us down, no snow to trudge through, no cars to clean off or black ice to hopefully not bust your face on. It’s a time of camaraderie and good feelings. Your friends who have been hibernating are ready to come out and play. The vibe during summer is just different. Trust me, I just walked out of my room to one roommate eating out of a carton of ice cream and the other smoking weed…it’s 8:30am, but hell it’s summer, you do what you want. A fling just adds to all of the awesome stuff you’d be doing anyways, so do it and find someone to enjoy the hell out of it with.
Though, if it seems too good, it’s probably because it is. Like I said, summer makes everything look better…or you’re drunk from brunch still. In almost all relationships you have someone who is just a bit more invested in it than the other. When dealing with a summer fling, this can only work if both parties are in a place to bring the relationship over into fall follies or winter boo’s if not…things could get messy. They’re called summer flings because they’re meant to be just that. You date someone you normally wouldn’t, they’re drama free (or at least are supposed to be) and most of all they’re meant to be short term. Unlike winter boo’s you’re not locked up in a room with them, they don’t have to be wildly intelligent or even all that romantic, they’ve just got to enjoy having fun.
But what if your heads and hearts are in different seasons? Well, if one of you wants more…
Don’t be surprised by a rejection. Usually these flings happen before someone moves away, goes off to school or leaves the country for a year (ahem, hello Spain). They aren’t known for their staying power and shouldn’t be, it robs them of some of their summer fun when they are. These flings stay true to their name when they’re done right and I suggest, strongly, that you respect that. But if you just can’t, if for some reason you realize this girl is your exception, well, bite the bullet buddy, no one likes a punk in love.
If you’re there and she’s not…I’ll be honest, she’s probably lying. There are very few women, though I know some, that want a summer fling that only lasts from June to Sept. 1st. The reasons for this are pretty obvious and include: girls like relationships a majority of the time, if they’re spending their summer time with you it’s probably because you’re worth dedicating some of the best months of the year to. Oh and the other real reason, the winter’s coming, duh. Summer flings are great, but winter boo’s are often essential. So if a girl says she’s just not that into you after a summer of sex, champagne, sun and sand and she says she means it, like really means it…cut and run or she’ll eat your emotions alive.
Sadly, I’ve had one friend with a summer fling gone bad already this summer. They’re dating, he decides he wants to go back to the last girl he cheated on, played out and left for dead in the cold hard streets of love, and here comes the drama. The scariest words to a fling are without question…”we need to talk.” Because, seriously dude, why? Men are the first ones talking about a booty call, flings, something simple and often the first to be all kinds of caught up in the rapture, as hard as they try to act like they aren’t. Now don’t get me wrong not ALWAYS the first one, but damn do we know when you are, mostly because you try so hard not to be…le sigh.
In the end, as long as you both are coming from a place of understanding, acceptance and general belief that summer is the best damn time of the year, there is little that can fuck up this fling because…well because it will be over in a month and a half at this point and there’s no reason to fix something if it ain’t broken. Happy summer, oh and welcome back, I’v been stock piling ideas and experiences, this blog could get awesome…yeah I’m talking to you, and you should know that.
Next week…the Independent Woman and why she wants nothing more than for you to steal her freedom.
Currently, I am a sparsely paid, lowly positioned intern at a big, well off company. It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that though a Masters means a lot, it does not in fact mean you know absolutely everything…though while it was happening I am pretty sure I read enough to know everything, like in the entire world. Anyways, point is, I am working my ass off, Monday through Friday anywhere from 8 to 11 hours a day to prove to these people that I am dedicated, willing to learn, excited to work for them and will be a positive contribution to their overall operation and daily progress. I am, in a sense courting my company and turning on all the charm I have. When I do get said job (yes, I am speaking it into existence, no I haven’t read The Secret but I get the gist) I will not, I repeat, will NOT change a damn thing. I will still be at work early, stay late, work hard, be willing to learn new things, form bonds and relationships with people I work with, be a good listener and always be open for critique and advice. Just because I’d have a title (and a salary) does not mean I no longer have to put in the effort.
I think most people…especially men…forget this when it comes to relationships. Now, I definitely would not say only men, but I’ve seen it happen more often with them, so a majority of this post will be directed toward guys, and honestly it’s just something to think about, we all have our quarterly evaluations…whether we know we’re being judged or not.
So you’re pursuing a girl/guy, you go on dates, get dressed up, come up with creative things to do with them, surprise them, wine them dine them, and tell them how fine they are, all of those nice things that you do when you’re courting, trying to get them to see how much better off they would be if they chose you, employed you, gave you a full time salary (how ever they saw fit to pay you, *wink*). And then they make you their boyfriend/girlfriend.
And then…it stops. No more dinners out, you just don’t have the money. No more exciting dates, you just wanna stay home and “chill”. No more fresh haircuts, new outfits, working out, clean close shaves, you’re feeling more grungy lately. No more nothing nice, its relationship time. Now, I do know that situations are much more comfortable once you’ve established that you and someone else are exclusive. When you have a title or an agreement, you feel off edge, you are no longer interning, you are no longer auditioning to be the one, they’re giving you a real shot, they’ve hired you. But what I don’t know is why that triggers to people that the song and dance is over. No more effort will be put in.
Now, I don’t know about anyone else or what industry you may work in where things are different, but if you start slacking, aren’t keeping up with work and are generally bullshitting the days away…well let’s just say before you know it, they will notice and your job will be at risk. This should always be the case for relationships. Someone is dating you because they like that you are fun, adventurous, spontaneous, likes to take them out or do nice things. And no, I am not saying every night of the week, but whether someone wants to admit it or not, this is a main attraction and if all of it disappears with the relationship, then so may some of those feelings.
Some people…usually women… are okay with this. Fine they’re not okay, but they deal, they stay in every weekend, don’t force you to take them to nice dinners, and they suck it up when you don’t want to shave or spend money on special nights out, they’re just happy to be with you and though all of the other things made them happy too, who are they to ask for it all? That’s bullshit, they don’t need to be anyone to deserve to be treated, to deserve to be wined and dined every now and then and to have the desire to be with the person they thought they were choosing.
When things change, feelings are not usually far behind. I think we all know, when you fall off, part of it is because you are getting comfortable, but another big part of it may be that you’re just not that into them anymore. I know that personally if I like someone a lot, regardless of how long we’ve been together I want to continue to do things that make me stand out to them. That makes them thankful they’re with me every day. I want to look a way that makes them proud to have me on their arm, at their table or meeting their friends. Call it what you may, but when your mate’s interest in impressing you begins to change their feelings are probably the next to go. Honestly, in this situation, stop leading them on and testing how little you can do and how much effort you don’t have to put in to keep them around and just dump their asses. They’ll be better off because of it. Trust me.
I ain’t saying I’m a gold digger. Don’t get confused, I understand fully and personally that we are still very much in a recession. I am not looking for anyone to go out of their way and spend tons of money to show someone they care, that’s not what love is, but making dinner, buying flowers, drawing a homemade card, all have minimal costs. It’s not going to break the bank if you start a tradition of buying flowers on Sunday morning for your girl or making breakfast every Saturday for your man it means something it keeps things romantic and we all know what happens when the romance dies…
This is my point: Everyone deserves to be treated. I read the quote below on a pretty cool blog a few months ago and I always go back to it because well, it really gave me something to think about. So many of us just settle when we should be being treated, so many of us brush of the changes when we should be questioning them. I have a very close friend that is going through a very bad time with a very inconsiderate man. And I feel worried and sad when I think of her because I know that she deserves so much more as do so many women and it’s often the ones who give so much and get so little in return. So I close with this quote, men, think about it, are you the man you were when you started dating? Is the passion still there? Do you still go out of your way to make the person you’re with proud to be with you? And ladies, have you been treated?
“See I don’t think you’ve ever been treated. You’ve been lusted after, chased, given ultimatums, pinched, poked, prodded and partitioned. But, you’ve never been treated, taken out, treasured, toppled with flowers that flow over you while you sit in a chair where you’re comfortable, and content and I don’t know that you’ve been held and honored and hoped for. You’ve never been someone’s dream. You’ve had your pick, you’ve partied, playacted, and put off. But you’ve never been treated. Your… skin has never been touched like it deserves to be touched, that dare I say delicate skin deserved to be touch in such a sensual way that even Sophocles would do well to write you into a beautiful tragedy. You’ve been trying, but have you ever been treated?”
Just something to think about.
Hello there. I’m back. Yes, it’s been a bit, I missed you too. I’m feeling back to my old self again, single, happy and ready to write. Now, don’t get me wrong I did not, I repeat DID NOT go on a writing hiatus because I had a man (plus I will note I did post while in said relationship). No, no, I took a break because I was trying to get a graduate degree, move (2 different times), find a job, write a 60+ page thesis, get some r&r in south Florida and travel to Europe to test my commitment genes (though they’ve failed me yet again), all of which I did with much grace and poise may I add. And if that’s not reason enough for you, well, maybe you’ll just be open to giving me a second chance…?
The Second Chance
Sometimes, like I mean on very rare occasions. Like once every 2 years, if not longer, I truly believe that it is okay to give someone a second chance. They messed up. They broke your heart. They treated you like shit. They lied. They cheated. They “broke your spirit”. Fine, sucks big time. No one is disputing that. No one faults you for never, ever, ever speaking to them again in your natural born life or after-life if you believe in that stuff, no one.
…They’re truly sorry. I don’t know how you really know, honestly, I always think once a liar always a liar, once a bullshitter, always a bullshitter. But I know that’s not right somewhere deep down. If no one could ever change then the world would really be an awful place…and a whole lot of people would never speak to each other again. So say their apology is genuine and they are really showing you the difference through their actions and not just their words. There is definitely that chance that someone can be more than sorry that they got caught, called out or told off. They aren’t just sorry because it ended badly they’re sorry they did it at all, there are those few people, and when you come upon those people, there is no reason not to give them a second chance if you really want to.
…They KNOW they will have to work hard. No one in their right mind is taking you back if nothing has changed. Someone should be working double time to show you that they are worth the risk you are taking with your heart and emotional sanity. If they aren’t working double or even triple time…well, I would question if they are really willing to work for your forgiveness or your future relationship.
…Things got lost in translation. Sometimes wires really do get crossed or words confused or stories twisted and you’re so mad you don’t check to see if there is something you may have missed, something that may just be a little bit off that could have changed the whole situation. Be open to being wrong. If you’re not you will live your life closed off to the chance of personal growth and change. And if you do find that it was you, fess up, don’t let your pride get in the way, don’t figure you’re just better off without them, humble yourself and say something.
…You just plain old miss them. Sometimes cutting ties is not as easy as you thought it would be, or your friends make it sound, or their actions made it seem like it would be. Sometimes cutting ties really does feel like something or someone in this case has been cut right out of you. Like you’re missing a piece of who you are or are supposed to be, and it’s just not worth teaching someone a lesson and losing part of yourself while doing so. This is where my best advice is just to talk. Until you’re blue in the face, until you hate the subject and couldn’t think of another thing to say about it, and then…let it go and if you both feel like you can’t make it without each other…why try?
Now, all of this is about second and third chances, when the real topic is forgiveness.
Unless you have a direct connection to the MIB (Men in Black) and their awesome memory eraser thing (which I have in fact told one man that’s what it would take for me to date him again) then you’re never really going to forget whatever it was that broke you two up in the first place (plus with Facebook pictures and emotionally charged tweets, dedicated websites…well you get it, there is always a picture or a post of the past somewhere these days). When they say something that reminds you of the girl he left your for, or the guy she cheated on you with you’re going to think about it. You are going to immediately go back to those feelings where you hurt, and it’s honestly, most likely, still going to hurt. But in these cases it’s not about forgetting, because if you forget too much you could find yourself right back in the same position they put you in last time. I’d like to say here “Keep your guard up”, but to me guard feels like a wall or shield and with either of those it makes it hard for other emotions to get through and real growth to occur, figuratively, use something soft like a pillow guard, you’re not trying to strong arm the person but you also can’t be oblivious to past events, and even if you try your mind won’t let you.
So that’s where forgiveness becomes vital. If you cannot forgive the other person there are in fact no second chances. While I write this I of course think back to the SATC episode when Aiden and Carrie get back together after she cheated on him and Aiden is trying so hard to get past it, and all she can really do is ask for his forgiveness (even guys should click that link, it really is one of the best scenes, sigh). So there it is, you have to forgive them, because without that forgiveness you won’t ever get past the past.
Don’t dwell. I know a girl who did not nice or honest stuff to a guy. She apologized. Genuinely and more than once, but somehow it is still a topic of conversation. It’s not just beating a dead horse, the horse has been beaten cut up made into horse burgers and shipped to Belgium, where they do in fact eat horse burgers, I know, I lived there. But the point is, you can dwell on what happened forever, but it’s not going to change the past. And at some point the one at fault is going to be over the groveling, apologizing and you. And all that will be left is a whiny boy and a girl who’s moved on. So get over the situation or get over the girl, but it’s gotta be one or the other.
I’m not a quick forgiver or big forgetter. Never have been, can’t say if I ever will be. Now, I say this knowing of at least two men that I gave way too many chances. It was as if they hadn’t been as shitty as possible yet, so it was easy to give it another go (smh). Now, I do in fact know that this is a bit of a character flaw, sometimes, but when it comes to men I’m dating, either you’re enhancing my life and well being or I just don’t need you. I don’t have boyfriends just to say I have a boyfriend. I don’t spend my time with you because I have nothing else to do. I don’t say I like you just so I can hear you say it back. Those things don’t matter. So when a guy does something that I find do be unacceptable, unless it really doesn’t faze me which is honestly occasionally the case, I feel no pressure to make sure they feel okay about what they’ve done. As I tell my girls all the time, I am not here to make any man or woman for that matter feel good about their decisions. I will not tell you it’s okay because that’s what you want to hear and I will not “play nice” and be your friend because you’ll feel less bad for being a liar. No, not a chance. No one is there to tell me my choices are right, or make me feel better when I do something shitty to someone I claimed to care about. I have never had an ex boyfriend that I dumped call me and say, “hey babe, it’s cool you dumped me for no apparent reason, you’re still a great person in my book!” No, believe it or not they don’t and I wouldn’t expect them to as nice as it would be to have that reassurance. So if you have forgiven but still want nothing to do with the person, don’t apologize. Don’t let your friends or society tell you that you not talking to them or being at least their friend means something. All it means is that, this is not a person you want in your life, and guess what… it’s your lucky day because you get to make the choices that affect your life! Hooray for that shit.
*But whatever you do please try to forgive, don’t let someone who was careless with your heart or feelings control your future relationships or mental well being, it will never be worth it.*
In the end, it’s always your choice. You always have a say in your life, relationships and future. So I say, give it a go if you’ve got it in you. If you’ve forgiven, if they’ve grown, and if you’re willing to put yourself “out there” one more time, by all means, do so. The worst that can happen is that they’ll fuck up again and you’ll learn a lesson about second chances, ho-hum…there is worse shit that could happen. Bon chancé.