I’ve never been a big talker in relationships. Now I can talk to my girls about them all day, even with my guy friends and I can always talk about theirs, offer advice (clearly) and honestly solve problems for myself and others, but in terms of me, I have rarely been able to say what I need to say. There are two main reasons for this. The first is the fact that any way you say or ask certain things the situation is sure to get awkward, fast. Secondly, I never wanted to be that girl. I have always been the go with the flow girl, if you like me act like it, if you don’t well don’t. I expect the truth, I tell the truth and I rarely ask questions I don’t think I want to know the answers to. That other girl, who I’ve prided myself on not being for so many years, is the one that needs definition every week, who wants to know how you feel verbally daily, that asks too many questions, that pushes you into relationships to fast, that seeks clarity for her own sanity. No, I’ve never wanted to be her. I have preferred to live in the gray. Which is all well and good…that is if you want to go through your life being blindsided by guys/girls who say one thing and mean another, or ones you put real effort into and find out that they’re just not willing to put it back into you.
I have since, (and by since I mean in the last two months) resolved to just say exactly what I want and need to say. Regardless of how awkward, pushy, presumptuous, whatever else I equate with relationship/feeling questions it is. I am going to do it and you should too. I know there are a lot of you out there. Women like me that have never been “that girl” for a number of reasons, for myself it is often because I don’t really know what I want, and often I know I don’t want a boyfriend, but I also know I want to matter. Or it could be because you don’t want a guy to assume you are thinking one thing when you are really just asking so you know. Because regardless of the number of times you say you’re asking why, most men will and do assume otherwise. This happens with guys as well. You don’t say something to a girl because you don’t know if she is feeling the same way, or you don’t want to seem too into her. You don’t ask for clarity because then that might mean commitment you aren’t looking for, so instead of asking you do what you want, you omit the truth and you side step around your feelings. I don’t blame anyone for this, because well sometimes it’s just easier. But we should stop, and here’s why:
Because you want to know. I mean really it’s just that simple. You’ve thought of at least twice “what is this?” “What’s next?” or “how does he/she feel about me?” If you’ve thought it, it’s most likely because you want or need to know. When you want to know about a new topic what do you do? Google it, in this day in age, so look at the person you’re dating like your own personal Google site, which they essentially are. You are always throwing words, questions and topics out and seeing what registers on their page of answers. So go ahead, you wanna know, I wanna know. Ask.
Because it makes things awkward regardless. When you don’t ask a question as small as ‘why did you and your ex break up?’ or as big as ‘do you want to be together?’, it’s kind of obvious. There are topics you shy away from, there and things you don’t say or conversations cut short. You both know it, you both can tell there is a little more, just say it, what’s a few minutes of awkwardness compared to months of clarity or even months of a bullshit “relationship” avoided. It’s nothing, that’s what it is, in case you didn’t know, awkwardness has got notta on sanity.
Because you may be missing out on a good thing. If you’re both not saying it, but clearly something is there, some time it happens naturally and sometimes it fizzles. You both assume that the other one is “not willing to try long distance”, ” not ready for a relationship” or “not only dating you”. And knowing those things and others could change everything for the better, so why not ask, and possibly end up happier than you assumed?
Because you may be in a shitty thing. I will be damned if someone said that all actions, words and thoughts matched. At any given time someone can do one thing and be thinking a completely different one. Just think about it, you’re in bed with a guy or a girl, you don’t really know what or who they are thinking about, talking to later, or what they really mean when they tell you things. Are they hanging out with you because they like you or because they like company? As a past victim of the latter, I say it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.
Because at this age, no one wants to live in the gray forever. Goodness do I love gray. Well in relationships at least. I mean honestly, it allows for me to date who ever, do whatever and not have to be accountable to anyone about anything. Gray is freedom. But how long can one really exist in this life of muddled water? At some point it’s going to have to clear itself up. Wouldn’t you rather it be before you got into the deep end and you’re in up to your neck?
Ladies, because he most likely is NOT going to say it. Now this definitely differs with all men. Some are definitely more verbal than others. But it’s a fact that men will live with what you give them as long as they are benefiting from it and enjoying it. So, no you don’t want to come off insecure or needy, but you also don’t want to come off crazy a few months down the line when you’ve pretty much gone through every scenario possible in your head and are still unsure of what he will say. Bite the bullet babes.
Guys, because she is waiting for you to say it. And you want to, sometimes. There is a group of you out there that want to know these things that thrive on clarity; I swear you’re out there. And sometimes you just wanna know where things are going, or why she said something or why she won’t say other things. There is usually a reason, so go ahead spit it out. Worst that can happen you find out you hate her and it’s over.
In the end it’s better to say too much than nothing at all. I know I personally have a small case of word vomit, when I finally do talk, I keep saying things, some that make sense, others that don’t, when I am internally telling myself to stfu. But sometimes that doesn’t really hurt the situation as bad as you’d think. You’re most likely saying these things because well, you are thinking them, or mean them or are confused by them. So just say it, just be that guy or that girl for a minute, and see what happens. I know I will be her from now on when it calls for it, and instead of worried, I am quite looking forward to it and its possible repercussions positive or not because either way it’s in me, though often ignored or hidden, and if a guy doesn’t like it, well then I guess I’m just not that into him.