I like frosting on cakes and I love Splenda in my tea, but you know what I don’t like sugar coated, my break-ups. They’re not fun. They don’t leave a good after taste in your mouth, and you certainly shouldn’t dish them out at parties. Because the truth of the matter is they’re getting dumped and unless its mutual that shit never feels any kind of good.
When I was 16 I used the “It’s not you, it’s me” line on my very first boyfriend. Now, I’ve never been particularly skilled at the art of dumping, so needless to say it came out a little jumbled and there were words said that shouldn’t have been and examples used that made no sense. In my semi-chubbie, boy-crazy, immature mind this was in fact the only way to do this without having my very first boyfriend hate me forever, because as much as it did have to do with me, it also had to do with him as well, because I just wasn’t that into him.
That’s exactly what a break-up is, one person telling the other that they just aren’t that into them. Now, in case you didn’t know in one’s mind when they’re being released from their relationship contract there aren’t rainbows and flowers popping up. It’s dark and mixed up in there, things are swirling especially if they didn’t know it was coming. There are so many things you want to say and don’t and things you don’t want to say and do, it’s really a huge mind fuck when it happens. All of this to say when one is listening to someone they care about tell them they don’t feel the same way anymore if at all ever, its down right insulting to be lied to, bs’d, or talked to like a child. Shit like that just isn’t cool.
Now I know many of you may think “Well I’m making it easier on her” No. You’re not. You’re lying. And that’s wack for a lot of reasons but the main reason is this: Women think way too damn much. You say ONE thing wrong or even right but don’t explain it, she may seem cool then, but give it an hour, better yet give it a week. In a week this woman will have replayed this scene in her head, she’ll start to recall the words you said that at the time just seemed like a blur, she’ll start to kick herself for not saying what she needed to say or asking you more questions, she will possibly waste useless minutes even hours of days contemplating where it all went wrong.
Now I am not saying you have to tare a girl apart or lay out all her flaws and annoying habits on the dinner table, but its times like this where occasional brutal honesty works best. She doesn’t want to know why she’s so great, beautiful or funny, she gets that you think all of those really nice sugary things you’re saying about her or you wouldn’t have been dating her. What she needs to get is why she’s being cut from the team. What is it that’s telling you that you no longer need or want this woman in your life in this way? What were the deal breakers for you? Why is she not “the one”? Without said questions answered we are left to our own self-deprecating or self-gratifying answers. A woman doesn’t learn what she did wrong, how she could be better or different for the next man or what it was about her that didn’t work well with you if you don’t tell her.
The drawn out tears, occasionally yelling and even last time hate sex, is really not so bad. I say this because you exhaust all of those emotions. When you make a break up look all nice and rosey like you’re perfect summer afternoon, well it leaves questions. It leaves confusion, and most of all it leaves a little bit of resentment. Cut the lies, cut the confused feelings lines, if you WANTED to be with that person you would be. Regardless of time, distance, worries, fears, insecurities, or reservations you’d do it. People do what they want and date who they want. So if you’re dumping someone it’s because you don’t want to be with them and you see no way to work it out in yourself or with them. At this age very few people are spending time with you in a dating situation because they have nothing better to do, know that.
This week’s inspiration came from a dinner I had recently. My homeboy and I were talking about life, love and lying and he brought up a girl he just got out of a situation with. He’s a good guy, honest, laid back, funny, and smart, not a bullshitter and certainly not a punk so why anyone, especially someone who he’s been dating would treat him that way, is beyond me. While he was explaining said break-up he said something that really stuck with me: “…and then she clichéd me!” Damn. Not only was it disrespectful to him but also to the friendship they had before the relationship, one which this convinced him he didn’t want to rekindle ever. He apparently wasn’t aware that happened outside of the movies, my thought is, it shouldn’t.
Act like you know her (or him). The most annoying thing ever during a break up is when the other person acts like they have NO damn idea who you are. You’ve been seeing this person for months or years and you know them. For some reason when people get to break ups they act like they have no idea who they’re talking to. You know how the person you’ve been with reacts to things and you know how they like to be talked to– go with what you know. Cut with the cliché’s and the excuses and let them know what the deal is. Do a little justice to the relationship you did have.
I’m blunt, occasionally to a fault, I like my eggs over easy and my break-ups just as raw. If approached with anything that would question my mental capacity or age I immediately shut down. My first thought is “This man must think I’m stupid” and my next is “This man IS stupid” If you know a woman to be sensitive then let her down easy, but honestly, if you know her not to deal with bs well then give it to her straight, even if it’s not easy for you. Because the fact of the matter is, if you’re breaking up with someone, it’s not about you anymore. You got to think this through, you knew what you were going to do before going to dinner and a movie, you’d been stewing on it for hours if not days, the other person, did not have nearly as much time to ponder it. So get over what makes you feel comfortable and be open to having a difficult conversation.
In the end break-ups are never easy on either party, but they do say a lot about you and your character. People often remember the end the best. They judge you by your last interaction or final words, no doubt they remember the good times, but it’s how you ended things that will stick with them. Women are going to gossip every detail to their friends regardless of what you say and men are going to alter details to their boys so it looks like they didn’t get rejected despite how sweet you sound saying something. There will always be a version or two or three of “the break-up” but what matters is what the person you claimed to have cared about or even loved remembers, holds on to and learns from.