…As friends with benefits. Yeah, I went there. This post is brought to you today in part by ipod shuffle. “Lovers and Friends” came on in the car the other morning, and I realized, that.song.is.bullshit. Now, with that said I will add that one, just one of my friends has had a friend with benefits, how you ask if I profess that such a thing is an urban legend, a lie that men make up to do it with their best girl friends or even vice verse? Well…it was possible because he wasn’t really her “friend”. Never was, still isn’t and she has no desire for him ever to be. Everyone knows there are levels of friendship and lots of people focus on besties and soul mates but on the other end of that spectrum there are the people you know, but don’t really know, or for that matter care to.
That was this guy. Yes, she knew him, but there was not one phone conversation had, or discussion about his family, life goals, or anything besides if he was busy. Though it didn’t end so awesomely for reasons not having to do with feelings at all, they speak, and are cordial, like acquaintances (the friend group at the lowest end of the spectrum, well after frenamies that is). But other than that, they don’t have any real contact which is fine, because they were never really friends anyways.
If you have any friend it is likely that they have that title because you get along, you enjoy their company, and truly like and care about them as a person. Now you add sex to that, and you’ve got a full blown relationship. You are not people that just really love each others company OR just people who are doing it, you are both, and both only comes in two flavors dating or relationship.
If you have a female friend, you two are most likely close, hang out, laugh, have inside jokes, bla bla bla, you two are cool. Now if you two super cool friends start doing it…there is almost no way on this earth that you two are going to maintain that friendship and have amazing sex and no one is going to want to be anything more than friends…ever.
Something’s gotta give. Either you two keep doing it and kiss your friendship goodbye or you come to your senses and remain friends…only. The main reason for this, is that it is fairly impossible. If you liked each other so much as friends and then you really like having sex together some one is going to catch feelings.It is inevitable.
It will, with out a doubt or question in my mind ruin your friendship.If you actually like this girl…she’s been there through good and bad, the bitch and the potential love of you life and that matters to you, respect it. If this extra stuff goes sour its likely there is no coming back from it, and you’ll be left wondering, was it really worth it?
If you were in a relationship before and you are trying to downgrade to friends with benefits, it won’t work either. Those feelings are still there, they don’t magically disappear because you don’t want the title of “boyfriend”. She may say she’s okay with it. But she’s not. She may act like she doesn’t care. But she does. If she wasn’t that into you anymore she wouldn’t be having sex with you. So unless two to five months down the road you are ready for a shit storm of emotions, confusion and questions, I repeat don’t try and do her after its all over.
Here is the most important part to remember about this title and what makes it so difficult. Friends with benefits…can still date, see, talk to, and pursue who or what ever they please. You are friends, you are not dating, you are not in a relationship you are just doing it. Not many women who care about your as a friend and are having sex with you, want to know about you dating other women, just not awesome. And when/if the tables are turned its hard to grasp that this girl just isn’t that into you because, well, everything else is saying she is.
For those reasons and many others, friends with benefits does not exist. And if it does, it won’t last for more than 90 days. It’s not worth losing a friend. It is not worth having your ex hate you. It’s not worth the stress that can come along with it. Now some of you reading this may think its bullshit, and fine, I’m not out here trying to change your world, just your Monday morning. But if you decide to do it remember this, make sure she’s an acquaintance, make sure you both know the deal-ground rules are never a bad idea- and make sure you realize its going bad before you get there, don’t wait until you’re having the awkward ‘what are we?’ at a cafe down the street from your house and you’re wondering ‘wtf is going on….I thought this was just sex.’ It isn’t and never was…